Why do we challenge ourselves?
We sign up for marathons, go for crazy long treks, attempt to swallow exotic foods, ask the girl out of your league out for a date, etc. Is it because we need to feel like we are doing more? Is it a muscle that we need to train so that if we challenge ourselves here, we can take that energy to all other parts of life as well? Maybe we don’t like the idea of having a weakness. Whatever it may be, I think there is no single answer. Every individual will have their own version of why they challenge themselves. And of course, this doesn’t apply to everyone because some people are content with living a life of comfort without facing many challenges. They choose to not confront their fears and live a life avoiding them. They may opt out of roller coaster rides or scary movies on Netflix but at the end of the day, they have found peace and it doesn’t bother them. So it really comes down to the way a person is wired. Personally, I see challenges as an opportunity to learn more about myself. How my mind and body work and what I can learn from the journey as I overcome challenges.
Eight Legged Freaks
A big fear of mine growing up was spiders. I inherited this fear from my mother. However, once I turned into my teens, I learned that it’s pretty easy for me to kill them. So that fear started diminishing away. Sure, I would look at all four corners of a room for spiders before I go to sleep but I knew if it’s there, I have control over the situation. However, later on, I realized, that the act of me still worrying is because I still have a fear of them. What was my fear you ask? It was extreme, that spiders would come and suck my blood if I let them roam around me freely. However, once I decomposed that, I realized that fear was just a silly mind game. As I got older, I realized spiders are scared of us. They will do everything they can to avoid us and don’t really care much about sucking our blood. Once I realized this revelation, my fear was gone. It was sort of like thinking sharks are out for us till you go scuba diving and swim around sharks and realize they don’t really care for us. I’m not saying a shark or spider will never bite us, but it’s not really worth worrying about as common Hollywood movies portray. Basically, I never worry about spiders in the room anymore. If I do see a spider I’ll just leave it be. If it’s bothering someone else with me, I will try my best not to kill it, but release it outside safely because I know they are harmless to me and I have no reason to kill this creature. This was an easy fear to conquer however, the main culprit, mind games, had other fears embedded in me that took a lot longer to face.
The first band-aid for a challenge in life
Public speaking haunted me for most of my whole life. Not sure how it started in the first place. Presentations and reading books out loud during class growing up, presentations in college, speaking in meetings at work, etc were all nightmares. When I was told ahead of time about a presentation I would need to present on, the anticipation would kill me. The fear would overcome me and I would practice non-stop thinking that was the only way. Once the day would arrive, my stomach would hurt, I would sweat, and my mind would be in full panic mode. It was very unhealthy. From all of these experiences, I noticed that the more I presented, the better I became. When I presented more often, it was easier for me to suppress the fear and enter an automated way of presenting. I went into autopilot and felt less fear and was able to present more easily. I spoke to friends about this and everyone had different answers. Some were naturally good at public speaking so they said it never bothered them. I understand this because everyone has different phobias. Some also recommended practicing more and telling yourself to feel excited rather than worried before a presentation. In order to practice more, I joined Toastmasters. It was really good, it did allow me to improve my public speaking skills and I was getting a lot of practice. Since I was always so worried about public speaking, I was never able to apply much growth here, and getting feedback from others allowed me to fine-tune some things. However, every time I had a new public speaking situation present itself, that fear would still lurk around the corner. Presenting was easier, but I still didn’t identify what the core fear was. Like the spider sucking my blood, what was sucking the life out of me every time I had to speak in public.
Dissecting the real problem
Like I dissected the fear of spiders, I did the same exercise with public speaking. What was happening in my body and mind when I stepped up to the plate. I had a misconception buried somewhere that the moment I was up there presenting, I automatically thought everyone in the audience would start to judge me. I would assume that I’m not worthy enough to waste everyone’s time and that all my material is trash. This was obviously my mind playing games against me. My mind was actually going into fight or flight mode. The automatic psychological reaction that we inherited from our ancestors who once had to decide if it was time to fight or flee when encountering threats in the wild was triggering in me. The butterflies I would feel in my stomach were actually blood draining to my arms and legs for fight or flight. My mind would think everyone in the audience was a threat and thus my body was reacting as it should because it literally thinks that I am in a life-threatening environment. This was a revelation for me because it was that moment I realized that there was nothing wrong with me, my mind and body were just reacting as they should. This was a natural reaction and once I realized this, I was finally able to take the next steps.
Compassion for yourself
When someone tells me I have to speak in front of people now I may feel that fear creep up. However, this time, I’m able to identify it. I know what my mind and body are doing. So I’m able to calm it down. Tell myself that, everything is okay and this is just a speech. I’m able to treat myself with compassion and assure myself that this speech is not a sabertooth tiger that I need to run from. The main lesson I learned from this was when I do speak now, I’m able to feel more. I’m not going on auto-pilot anymore. When I go up to present, I can feel myself, I can think on my feet, I can feel how the audience is feeling, and I’m much more tuned into the moment. It’s no longer about practicing to suppress my fears. It’s about embracing my fear, understanding it, speaking up there feeling every moment, and most importantly, having fun with it.
Why I do it
In life, there will be all sorts of challenges. We have so many ways to approach it but all I wish is whatever path you take, make sure you are fully embracing the fear, checking under the hood on what’s really happening, having compassion for yourself when dealing with it, and finally go all out when you do let your wings spread. Of course, in life, one could ignore these fears and still live a comfortable life. That’s totally okay as well. Everyone is wired differently, some have health conditions, and time to address these things are all crucial. I’ve found ways to find time to work on myself and when appropriate, I always choose to take the less taken, harder, long way. The journey may be hard, but the learnings I find, are always worth it.
